September 05, 2017

Serious Thoughts

If I kill myself today, I wonder, how long does it takes for someone to find my dead body?

I actually have the answer to this question, assuming nothing change in my life.

If I die at my apartment, alone, most probably it will takes at most 24 hours. Because my mom calls me everyday, if not call, she will text. If I don't answer for the next few hours, she will try again. If I still don't answer, she will probably look for me at my place where she has access to.

If I die at my parents house, maybe around half a day. Because I'm always in my room. Either sleeping or do all sort of things quietly. I don't like to be disturb when I'm in my room. I don't even let them knock on my door. My mom will only find me if I missed two meals. So my mom will shout my name until I answer, or call me on the phone. If I don't answer to both, which I normally do, she will probably unlock my door and found my lifeless body in there.

Ya, that's the only two possible scenes where it takes awhile for someone to find me.

Notice that I only mentioned my mom. Because only my mom cares about me. If I die, no one else cares. And killing myself is always in my thoughts.

February 21, 2017

Living where I don't belong

As titled.

I don't think I belong here. Malaysia. It's not about the country. It's not that I hate Malaysia. In fact, I love Malaysia, more than most Malaysian do. But I believe, I don't belong here.

Quote from someone, I found somewhere I don't remember;
Just because you were born in one place, doesn't mean you have to live there for the rest of your life.
I believe that.

I blame this on the society, on the community I'm living in. Or should I blame it on myself for letting me get too much exposure to the outside world. Not that much, but enough to get me feeling this way.

I often found myself in a conversation where I cannot elaborate much. One topic, different perspectives. I ended up pausing, taking time to reply, just so that I can think of the appropriate response, one that the majority can understand. Also alot of the time, I just ended the conversation, when I'm not in the mood of pleasing others. People in my circle don't connect to the same "cloud" as mine. At least that's what I think. Or maybe it's just my obnoxious perception towards another decent human being who just trying to make small talks.

There was this one time, a couple of guys, strangers, interviewing me for some research project. The purpose of the interview is to understand my life routine, as someone who relying heavily on technology. Well, I'm a programmer. Half day spent staring at the screen; either laptop or phone. So they ask me one question on my interest. I said music. I'm on Spotify almost all the time. Then they ask me another, what kind of music/genre? I pause. Looking at both. "Emmmmmmmm". Thousand of thoughts crossing my mind. I wanna say "Alternative Rock", which alot of my favorite musicians labelled under this genre. But I didn't. Afraid they will stereotyping me as a girl who trying to look cool, but actually listen to alot of KPOP (btw, what's wrong with KPOP? A good song is a good song, regardless of the genre). Then I tried to say "Paramore, Bastille". Again, I didn't, because this two bands are not very mainstream, hence do not sound familiar to Malaysian. "Twenty One Pilots" comes out of my mouth, because the band got sudden popularity and their songs keep playing on the radio over and over again, I assume thanks to the movie Suicide Squad. 

Alot of time, I wanna share what I've been doing with my day to day friends. But I can't really tell them the details, as it may be sensitive(to the culture, religion), or racy, or not accepted by the society, or just me trying to be safe in the closet. The conversation always sounds some sort like this:

Scenario 1:
ME: Recently I just downloaded this apps. The apps provided a service, which I cannot tell you what it actually is. I tried to use the trial version of it, but still need to enter my credit card information. When the trial version period ended, I forgot to unsubscribe. Resulting RM800++ charged to my card!
FRIEND A: What kind of service that cost that much??! 
ME: Some expensive service it is.
Scenario 2:
ME:  I spent my whole weekend watching this new tv series I just found. It has 4 seasons of 15 episodes. I finished it all. The show was too addictive and relates so much to my sad, sad life. I laugh and cried all the way.
FRIEND B: What tv series is that? Where you watch it? I wanna watch it too!
ME: A tv series that only I can watch it. I don't want to be a bad influence for you.  
Just classic me being in the closet and keeping my private life stays private. I guess, this is also why I cannot hold a long conversation with anyone. Because there's not much to talk about when I already filtered most of it. 

Also I don't like to talk literally. I often use metaphor. Figuratively speaking. Which normally resulted in sarcasm. Because most people doesn't know what I'm talking about, or I'm exaggerating. And it annoys me. Examples are necessary:

Scenario 3:
FRIEND C: Why do you have to wake up so early to go to work?
ME: Because my house is in the kingdom far far away.
Scenario 4:
ME: Hey D, can you help answer Your Highness? They are all on my neck right now. 
FRIEND D: What do you mean? I have to please all this people?
ME: You think you can please them?
Scenario 5:
FRIEND E: Hey, you saw the news today?
ME: The world is scary right now. Wearing my shoes feels scarier. 
FRIEND E: What do you mean?
ME: My shoes made of Donald Trump. 
If I have to explain back to you what does it mean, you are annoying, and I'm not very sincere befriending you, I just need friend so I don't look pathetic living my life full of loneliness. Anyway, I like being sarcastic, because the one who truly understands will laugh, and that's how I know, you are my type of people. But most of the time, I sounded mean.

While most of the Malaysian enjoys FB, Youtube, Instagram, SiakapKeli, Malaysia Kini, or even viral posts in WhatsApp, you will find me either staring blankly at one spot listening to Spotify humming to some songs, or frowning and looking very serious with my eyes stick to my phone screen watching some documentaries on Netflix. I am oblivious. Especially to the viral local news, that probably will never reach me. Except if you discuss it during lunch. Then I will google it, just for the sake to not be excluded.

My point is, I understand that I'm overthinking and assuming too much. But that's the reality. Things that I like or I do, are out of the norm. I always thought I'm not average. If there's 10 people standing in one line, including me, there will be 2 of us who connecting to the same network. The rest would heard more of Twenty One Pilot, rather than Bastille. If you don't understand my analogy here, you are categorized under the 8 people in the line.

Whereas if I'm living in the western countries, presumably I would be just another teenage girl next door. And I want that to happen. But my mom doesn't support this dream of mine. As of now, I just have to bare with all this and go back into my closet everyday, where my comfort zone is.

After I read back what I have wrote, I sounded like a too cool for school kid. Sorry, I watch too many movies.

July 31, 2016

Peer Pressure

People in my circle of my age,
busy being engaged, married, or having babies.
While me,
busy making money.

Not that I got many choices.
Not that I'm good at it.
Not that I'm born with it.
That's the only thing that I can do.

How is it my fault that money and love don't go hand in hand
when you don't have look, or you are a girl with brain and capabilities.

That's how the world works.
That's how normal life is.

I just hope that one fine day, I will find this happiness.
Happiness that money can't buy.

At this very moment, I'm not happy.

November 23, 2014


BAM! It's been 5 months since I last wrote here. Cuz my life was quite like that.

Well then, why I'm back? Got any change? No. Still wake up in the morning, go to work during the day, got back from work after the sun set, and sleep. More than I should, been working for 6 days per week. On that one off day, sleep till noon, wake up to get some food, watch some movies, play some games and sleep again. Same old, same old.

Been doing this over and over and over again since I became single, I guess. I sorta dedicated my life to work, and work only. I'm not depressed, nor lonely, I just already got used to it. I got more money to spend on myself and since everything can be purchased online and by using single card only, I just have to chill in my bedroom, all day on my free day. I think I'm already happy with that.

I got some thoughts these days. I wanna buy a house, near the city, near my workplace. Where I will live alone. I can go to work anytime I want. I can go to eat anywhere I want. I can play games whenever I want. I can watch movies back to back. I can sleep whole day where no one will bother. I can be alone. 

I don't have problem living with my parents tho. I love living with them. I just don't like when people ask too much. I don't like when people put their thoughts too much on me. I don't like busybody people. I don't like it when people ask me questions that I don't wanna answer. I don't like it when people got angry with me because they are upset with someone else. I don't like to deal with some other people's business. I don't like to clean other people's mess. I don't like to go home, tired, and angry. I have some anger management issue that I cannot control. I don't want people got affected by that. I just wanna be alone.

When I'm at work, I do my work. When it's time to go home, I ditch all that and go home. Go home with nothing on mind, and to just get some rest. Nothing to think, nothing to worry, nothing to take care of. I just want that. 

That's only the idea tho. My life currently is still pretty good.