September 19, 2018

Fuck this shit

Last weekend, I did something out of my norm. I booked a place in the city and stay for two nights. Roaming around without thinking much. Basically, living my life.

I met strangers. Travelers. They traveled around the world, solo. They are younger than me. Taking risks, leave things behind, and just go travel. What to do after, they will think later.

And this makes me think, why am I living like this? All I do is work. And I got stressed out almost everyday. Beaten by the work, by the people I have to face. Why do I let myself got beaten just to get promoted every year? I know I can always leave this toxic place, why am I still here?

The weekend made me realize I should live more recklessly. Do not think too much. Do not work too hard to please everyone. I need to think of my own happiness too. I need to take care of myself too. I need to go back to doing things that I love. I need to love myself.

I believe, my current work made me depressed. This is a toxic place. Not healthy anymore. I need to move on. 

August 25, 2018

Why

I’ve been listening to ‘This is Linkin Park’ playlist on spotify. And I just can’t stop crying. Burying myself deep into the lyrics. So real and relatable. Will I soon follow CB footsteps?

I don't like my mind right now
Stacking up problems that are so unnecessary
Wish that I could slow things down
I wanna let go but there's comfort in the panic
And I drive myself crazy
Thinking everything's about me
Yeah, I drive myself crazy
'Cause I can’t escape the gravity”

August 22, 2018

Life

Bertaubat la selagi masih diberi peluang hidup

Kau ingat aku nak ke hidup macam ni?
Kau ingat aku yang pilih ke nak rasa macam ni?
Kau ingat aku tak cuba ke ikut cara hidup yang “betul”?
Kau ingat senang ke hidup aku ni?

Beribu2 duit aku habis just so I can live according to “normal” people’s way.

I know it is wrong. But you don’t have to use harsh words towards people like me. Most of us didn’t choose to feel like this. And most of us are trying real hard to not put any action towards this feeling. Life is already hard without your criticisms.

September 05, 2017

Serious Thoughts

If I kill myself today, I wonder, how long does it takes for someone to find my dead body?

I actually have the answer to this question, assuming nothing change in my life.

If I die at my apartment, alone, most probably it will takes at most 24 hours. Because my mom calls me everyday, if not call, she will text. If I don't answer for the next few hours, she will try again. If I still don't answer, she will probably look for me at my place where she has access to.

If I die at my parents house, maybe around half a day. Because I'm always in my room. Either sleeping or do all sort of things quietly. I don't like to be disturb when I'm in my room. I don't even let them knock on my door. My mom will only find me if I missed two meals. So my mom will shout my name until I answer, or call me on the phone. If I don't answer to both, which I normally do, she will probably unlock my door and found my lifeless body in there.

Ya, that's the only two possible scenes where it takes awhile for someone to find me.

Notice that I only mentioned my mom. Because only my mom cares about me. If I die, no one else cares. And killing myself is always in my thoughts.